Stop shutting me out and pushing me alway. Please. 😞

I’m so exhausted I wish you were here with me. I wish I could just see you whenever I wanted. I can’t wait till we are older, things are going to be so much easier


I should be writing my stupid essay that’s due at midnight that I only have an intro to but instead I’m doing this cause.. well I don’t know. There’s been so much on my mind lately that its all I can think about now. My uncle has such a huge influence on me so when that person tells you that you are fucking up way too much and that you need to get my life together that really hurts. I have a bad attitude, I understand that. I have that attitude cause me and my mom couldn’t get along for 2 full years and I couldn’t stand being her. The last year got really bad. It was fighting everyday and constant yelling. So now every time I feel threaten by something I put up that “I don’t give a fuck who you are attitude but I’m going to do it anyways” I don’t even mean it. It just happens and I end up hurting those around me and I hate myself for it.

If you’re reading this I’m sorry I haven’t said any of this yet. You have just been so busy with that long form I didn’t want to bother you with this and you were at your friends having a good time which you needed and I wasn’t going to drop this all on you. Anyways, lately I feel like I’ve been letting you down hard core. Like the few times where I said I would see you then I things changed and I couldn’t and getting grounded when we had planned to go and do something. Also I just feel like I’ve been irritating you a lot. You’re busy with homework and work I know that and I’m probably not making anything better. I’m trying my best to make sure I don’t make anything worse or upset you more. You’re stressed, I know. I’m also trying to be there and show you I care and letting you know I’m right here if you need anything. I’m scared you’re going to try and push me away. I won’t let you but I just don’t want you to get overwhelmed and then that happen. I’m not going anywhere, I’m here to stay. I’m here for you. Plus I’ve been wondering what you even find in me anymore after you have seen the most shittiest side of me and the stupid little things I do. I think I’m only feeling that way cause of the lecture my uncle gave me after I got off work on Friday. Idk I’m being stupid, I shouldnt even post this. You might get mad at me and tell me I’m an idiot and stop over analyzing things. 

Now that I keep going on with this I think I’m just stupid for typing all this in the first place. I was just upset and thinking about how I’m really not a good person. I’m not asking for a pity party, its just how i’ve been feeling lately. Being compared to my mom just really fucking sucks because I know I’m nothing like her.

This whole post is fucking pointless. I didnt even realize I vented in this stupid thing. I don’t vent. I hold my feelings in cause to me it feels better that way than letting the person you love understand how stupid you really are. This was pointless. EMOTIONS CAN GO THE FUCK AWAY I FEEL LIKE IM ON MY PERIOD AGAIN. I sound bipolar lawlz. I hope you read this but at the same time I don’t. Babe I need you.. :/ 

I’m falling in love with you all over again ☺️